Sometimes There Is No Choice That Keeps Everyone Happy

My mother always told me, “Kim, you can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.”

I spent a good part of my life trying to prove her wrong. And I was pretty good at it! Pleasing people gave me great pleasure, particularly with my high need for Connection, and if I’m honest, proving my mother wrong also met my need for Significance.

It wasn’t until I was in my fifties, when I became the Executive Director of the William Glasser Institute, that I finally had to concede my mother was right… about that one thing, at least.

I had imagined that an organization dedicated to Choice Theory® and the Connecting Relationship Habits would be a fairly harmonious place. After all, we shared the same philosophy and believed in treating people with compassion and respect.

What I discovered was an organization full of strongly committed, compassionate people who sometimes had very different ideas about how Glasser’s teachings should be interpreted and applied.

Making a decision inevitably meant disappointing someone. What one person considered the right direction, another believed was contrary to the very principles we were trying to uphold.

It was maddening!

But it was also an important growing experience for me. I gradually realized that my job wasn’t to craft the one answer that would make everyone happy. That answer didn’t exist. I needed to listen, consider different perspectives, and decide what I genuinely believed was best, knowing that someone would probably disagree.

I didn’t have to stop caring about people’s disappointment. I had to stop using the absence of disappointment as my measure of whether I’d made a good decision.

Why Disappointment is So Painful

For those of us with high needs for Connection, disappointing someone can feel like high treason. We may have all kinds of stories running through our heads about what their disappointment means.

They’ll be angry with me. They won’t understand. Maybe they’ll stop talking to me. What if this damages our relationship?

Before we know it, we’ve gone from someone being disappointed about a decision to imagining the end of a relationship.

But fear of rejection isn’t the only reason disappointing people can be painful. Sometimes we simply care about them. We know they wanted something we aren’t willing or able to provide, and we genuinely wish things could be different. We don’t want to see someone we care about hurting, particularly when our decision contributed to their disappointment.

There’s another layer, too. We may be uncomfortable with what disappointing someone seems to say about us. If you think of yourself as a kind, compassionate, considerate person, what happens when someone you care about believes you’ve been selfish or unfair? You may begin questioning yourself, even when you’ve given the decision considerable thought.

Maybe you’re carrying around a story that says, Caring people always find a way to make everyone happy.

I can tell you from experience that this is an impossible standard. Sometimes there simply isn’t a solution that gives everyone what they want. And sometimes the person we’re most afraid of disappointing isn’t the other person. It’s the version of ourselves we’ve decided we most want to be.

Disappointment is Information

William Glasser, the founder of Choice Theory, taught that all we can give or get from other people is information. What we do with that information is our choice.

When someone is disappointed with us, they’re giving us information. They wanted something different than what actually happened. Perhaps they wanted us to say yes, attend an event, support their position, or make a different decision.

Their disappointment tells us something about the difference between what they wanted and what they’re getting. I’ve written before about how our expectations can contribute to disappointment in relationships. It doesn’t automatically tell us that we’ve done something wrong.

Someone else’s disappointment is not proof that you made the wrong choice.

Of course, that doesn’t mean we necessarily made the right choice, either. Maybe we overlooked something important. Perhaps we broke a commitment, failed to consider someone’s circumstances, or made a decision we’re no longer satisfied with.

Their disappointment may be valuable information that prompts us to reconsider. But that’s different from automatically concluding that because someone is unhappy with our decision, we need to change it.

The question isn’t simply whether someone is disappointed. It’s whether we’re satisfied with the choice we’ve made, considering what we wanted, what others wanted, our responsibilities, and the likely consequences.

Don’t Let the Pendulum Swing too Far

There’s a temptation to go from one extreme to the other. We might begin by believing we’re responsible for keeping everyone happy. Then, when we discover that’s impossible, we swing to the opposite position: I’m not responsible for your feelings. They’re your problem.

While it’s true that we can’t control another person’s feelings, that doesn’t give us a reason to be dismissive or inconsiderate. People’s feelings matter, especially when we care about them.

Considering someone’s disappointment isn’t the same as being obligated to eliminate it.

The same principle applies to influence. We can offer information and respect another person’s choices without trying to control their response.

Sometimes, after listening and thinking things through, we may decide to change our minds. We might realize there’s an option we hadn’t considered or that their request matters more to us than we initially recognized. Other times, we may listen just as carefully and still decide to move forward with our original choice. Neither response is automatically right or wrong.

When you’re facing a decision that may disappoint someone, consider asking yourself:

• What do they want?
• What do I want?
• What commitments have I made?
• What are the consequences of each choice?
• Who do I want to be in this situation?
• What might it cost me to make the choice I want?
• What might it cost me to put this person’s wants ahead of my own again?

That last question is especially important if you have a history of putting yourself last. It’s one thing to make a thoughtful sacrifice for someone you love. It’s another to make yourself the automatic loser whenever two people want different things.

Sometimes It’s Easier to Disappoint Yourself Instead

Have you ever agreed to something you didn’t really want to do because you couldn’t bear the thought of disappointing someone? I suspect most of us have.

Sometimes it’s simply easier to disappoint ourselves. We know how we’ll react. We can manage our own frustration privately. We don’t have to explain our decision, deal with someone else’s unhappiness, or worry about what it might mean for the relationship.

And if we have a high need for Connection, maintaining harmony can be quite satisfying, even when we’re giving up something we wanted. There isn’t necessarily anything wrong with that. Sometimes we choose to put someone else’s wants ahead of our own, and we’re genuinely happy to do so. But what happens when that becomes our usual response?

What happens when you’re always the person who adjusts, gives something up, changes your plans, or agrees to something you’d rather not do? You may begin to feel resentful. You may find yourself wondering why nobody ever considers what you want. You might even conclude that the people in your life are taking advantage of you.

And sometimes they might be. But it’s also worth asking whether you’ve been giving people the impression that you’re perfectly happy with arrangements you never actually wanted. They may not even know there’s a problem.

When every available choice disappoints someone, repeatedly choosing yourself as the person who absorbs the disappointment is still a choice. The question is whether it’s a choice you’re satisfied making.

You don’t need to become someone who always puts yourself first. But you might want to stop automatically volunteering to be the disappointed one.

The Courage to Let Someone Be Disappointed

I used to think that if I listened carefully enough, worked hard enough, and considered everyone’s perspective, I could find a solution that would make everyone happy. Sometimes I could.

But becoming Executive Director taught me that sometimes no such solution exists. I could respect someone’s opinion, appreciate their commitment, and understand why they wanted something different, while still believing another decision was best. That was uncomfortable for me, especially in the beginning.

I had to learn that someone could disagree with my decision without that disagreement meaning I’d failed them. And I could care about their disappointment without making it my responsibility to remove it.

Courage isn’t becoming indifferent to someone’s disappointment. It’s allowing their disappointment to matter without automatically dictating what you must do because of it.

You can listen, care, and consider another person’s perspective. You can even acknowledge that you wish things could have worked out differently. And after doing all of that, you can still make the choice you believe is best. Someone may be disappointed.

That doesn’t mean you have to be disappointed in yourself.

Reflection

Whose disappointment are you working especially hard to prevent, and what is that costing you?