Genuine helping increases another person’s capacity. Rescuing can unintentionally stifle it.

Helpers often rescue for very good reasons. We care. We know what to do. We can do it faster and often better. Watching someone struggle is uncomfortable. And honestly, sometimes clients want us to rescue them.

They may want us to tell them what to do, make a decision for them, solve the problem, or assure them that the choice they’re considering is the right one or even the one we would make ourselves.

But giving someone the help they want isn’t always the same as giving them the help that will serve them best.

Real helping expands clients’ options, encourages deeper thinking, and supports their agency to make the choice they believe is best for them. Rescuing can create dependence, reduce opportunities to develop problem-solving skills, and narrow options. It can also have the unintended effect of communicating, You aren’t capable of figuring this out or trusting yourself to make a good decision.

The Important Question

The important question isn’t simply, Am I helping? You very well may be. Instead, ask: What is my helping doing for this person? Is it expanding or limiting their world? Is it strengthening their capacity or replacing it?

That distinction can be harder to recognize than we might think, particularly when what we’re doing is genuinely helpful in the moment.

Signs You May Be Rescuing Instead of Helping

The following questions aren’t meant to be diagnostic or incriminating. They’re simply an invitation to self-evaluate your behavior and the situation.

Consider:

• Are you working harder than they are?
• Are you repeatedly solving problems you know they’re capable of solving?
• Are you protecting them from consequences that may initially be painful but could provide useful information or teach important lessons?
• Does your discomfort with their pain create an urgent need to fix things for them?
• Have you noticed yourself becoming resentful about how much you do for them?

That last question can be particularly revealing. Resentment may be information that we’ve assumed responsibility for something we don’t actually want to own.

Why We Rescue

I talk a lot about the five basic needs of Connection, Freedom, Significance, Safety & Security, and Joy because I find them to be the building blocks for understanding my behavior and the behavior of others. That includes the behavior of helpers.

Rescuing is purposeful behavior for us, too. It can satisfy our needs in ways we may not immediately recognize. Rescuing can meet our need for Connection by allowing us to demonstrate how much we care. It can satisfy Significance when our knowledge, experience, or expertise allows us to solve a problem someone else hasn’t been able to solve on their own. We get to feel competent and useful, and the other person may see us that way, too. Rescuing may also satisfy Safety & Security. When someone we care about is at risk physically, financially, professionally, or emotionally, solving the problem can reduce our own fear and discomfort as well as theirs.

None of these motivations makes us bad helpers. Understanding our own needs simply gives us more information.

It allows us to ask: Am I doing this because it’s the most helpful thing for this person, because it satisfies something in me, or both?

The answer may very well be both. The point isn’t to judge our motivation. It’s to become aware of it.

Support Without Taking Over

I find the best outcomes often occur when we pair empathy and compassion for what another person is experiencing with a commitment to help them solve their own problems rather than automatically fixing those problems for them.

The goal isn’t necessarily to solve the problem as efficiently as possible. Sometimes the better goal is to help the person become increasingly capable of solving problems without you.

Does this mean you shouldn’t care about other people and their problems? Of course not. Care deeply. Have empathy for their pain. Offer support. But remember whose problem it actually iss.

You can give helpful information, ask clarifying questions, offer relevant resources, provide encouragement, be present, and volunteer appropriate assistance without taking over the person’s problems or decisions.

And sometimes doing something for another person is exactly what caring, responsible support looks like. The issue isn’t the action itself. Context matters.

Before stepping in, consider four things:

1. Effect

What is my help doing to this person’s capacity?

Is it supporting their ability to think, decide, solve problems, and act for themselves, or is it unnecessarily replacing those abilities?

2. Purpose

Whose discomfort am I trying to relieve?

Am I helping primarily to provide relief for them, to relieve my own discomfort, or both? Again, there is nothing inherently wrong with the answer being both. Awareness simply gives us the opportunity to decide whether we’re satisfied with what we’re doing.

3. Context

What kind of help is actually needed here?

Capability isn’t the only consideration. Someone may be perfectly capable of doing something but temporarily lack the time, energy, resources, knowledge, or emotional bandwidth to do it alone. Sometimes another set of hands is exactly what is needed.

At other times, we may be stepping into a situation where our involvement adds very little except another person’s dependence on us.

4. Pattern

What is happening over time?

Do you find that the more you help, the more help is needed? Or is your help contributing to greater confidence, competence, problem-solving ability, and independence? One instance of doing something for another person tells us very little. A pattern tells us much more.

Helping isn’t about proving how useful we can be. It’s about considering what our usefulness is creating.

Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is provide information. Sometimes it’s asking a question. Sometimes it’s offering encouragement or another set of hands. And sometimes it’s resisting the temptation to solve a problem simply because we know we can.

Reflection

Is there somewhere your helping could become more helpful by doing a little less?

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