The people with the greatest influence are rarely the people trying hardest to control others.
Think about the people who have had the greatest impact on your life. Chances are they weren’t the loudest voice in the room or the person demanding that you agree with them. More often, they were people who listened well, asked thoughtful questions, and created an environment where you wanted to grow.
The Myth of Influence
Many people believe the only way to influence others is to demand it and “make” the other person change. This is genuinely a myth. Remember how cooperative you feel when people are trying to get you to do something you don’t want to do? These tactics often cause people to dig in, even when they recognize another approach might serve them better.
When you use persuasion, it necessitates the other person changing their mind. If you lean toward applying pressure, you’re seeking compliance. Authority may produce obedience, but at what cost? You lose relationship, connection, and respect.
Even if these methods succeed in the short term, they rarely produce lasting change. When someone is doing something mainly to please another person, or avoid negative consequences, as soon as those circumstances no longer exist in the forefront, they will revert back to exactly what they were doing in the first place, and often even worse.
Another behavior that produces surprising results is trying to reward someone into compliance. Research shows that this will typically result in compliance and even improvement, but when the reward ceases to exist, you can’t reward forever, the person often goes back to worse behavior than what they started with. Alfie Kohn explores this phenomenon beautifully in Punished by Rewards.
Something different happens when you use conscious influence instead. Conscious influence comes from cultivating need-satisfying relationships with people you’d like to influence. Whether that’s your employees, students, clients, aging parents, or children, conscious influence begins with becoming a need-satisfying person to them. If you aren’t a need-satisfying person to them, they will be unlikely to listen to what you say. However, when they feel that you care about, listen to, and respect them, they tend to hear your information differently.
It’s important to note that using conscious influence means that you must be ready for the other person to hear you, even understand your point of view, and still opt to do things differently from what you might think is best.
Above all else, conscious influence comes when you respect the agency of the other person. Everyone has a right to do things their own way. It’s virtually impossible for you to know what would be best for someone else. You’re usually basing that judgment on what you think would be best for you, not necessarily for them. It’s impossible for you to see things from another person’s perspective because you aren’t them.
The other reason to remember the other person’s agency is that they are the ones who must live with the consequences of their choices, not you.
Using external control behavior may get someone to comply while you’re watching, but genuine influence continues long after you’re gone.
Conscious Influence isn’t about getting people to do what you want. It’s about becoming someone whose influence others willingly choose to receive.
What Real Influence Requires
Trust
People don’t open themselves to influence until they believe you’re for them rather than against them. They need to know that you care about what’s best for them and that you’re not trying to control them.
Understanding
You cannot influence someone before first trying to understand where they’re coming from. Seek to understand their priorities, needs, and desires.
Understanding doesn’t require agreement. You may still see things differently, but genuine influence begins with understanding..
Credibility
In a spin on Theodore Roosevelt’s quote about the man in the arena, Brené Brown says, “If you are not in the arena getting your ass kicked on occasion, I am not interested in or open to your feedback.”
People want to know if you’ve been where they are, if you have experience in similar situations, or if you at least have learned a lot about situations like yours. They want to know if they can trust your judgment and if your actions are aligned with your words.
Credibility and integrity are essential. In fact, the BCC Code of Ethics says that it’s unethical for coaches to coach in areas unless they have experience or extensive study in those areas for this very reason.
Consistency
Influence grows through repeated experiences. Do you consistently show up for this person? Is your information helpful? Do you expand a person’s choices or limit them?
One conversation rarely changes a life, but a consistent relationship often does.
The Power of Questions
The second axiom of Choice Theory is: All we can give or get from other people is information. How they or we deal with that information is our choice.
Instead of telling others what they should do, ask these questions:
- What do you want?
- What’s getting in the way?
- What have you already tried?
- What options do you see?
Questions invite reflection. Advice often invites resistance.
Questions invite ownership. When people arrive at their own conclusions, they’re far more likely to act on them.
Influence in Everyday Life
Instead of a list, I’d use one or two sentences under each.
Coaching
Helping people discover their own answers is the role of a coach.
Counseling
Creating safety before offering perspective. Even after offering your perspective, remember that it’s the client’s job to decide whether to act on, or even consider, your perspective.
Parenting
Teaching children to think rather than simply obey equips them much better for when you won’t always be there to advise them. It’s also best for children to make mistakes when their parents can provide a safety net.
Leadership
Leadership is about developing people rather than directing them. You should want your people to be able to make great decisions in your absence, not have to wait to get your permission before acting.
Relationships
Influence grows when people feel respected rather than controlled. If you’re the person who always needs to call the shots, people may comply, but they may also be working harder than you realize to avoid your control.
Choice Theory® Connection
Dr. William Glasser taught that lasting change happens from the inside out when people choose what they believe is best in the situation.
We can offer information, ask questions, and build relationships, but each person ultimately chooses what to think, feel, and do. Understanding doesn’t guarantee influence, but influence rarely happens without it.
Reflection
How do you want to influence the people in your life? What would change if your goal shifted from convincing people to understanding them?
If you’d like to explore your answers to these questions, consider attending our CE on Creating Conscious Influence & Impact.
