Have you ever watched someone do something and thought, Why on earth would anyone do that? I’ll bet almost everyone has.
From the outside looking in, the behavior may look irrational, nonsensical, and maybe even a little crazy. But from inside, there’s a reason. The problem is you can’t see it and often you’re not privy to it.
Choice Theory® Foundation
Choice Theory teaches that all behavior is purposeful. Everyone is always attempting to satisfy needs by moving closer to something they want or away from something they don’t.
Makes Sense ≠ Good Choice
Have you ever done something that seemed like a good idea at the time, only to have it blow up in your face? I know I have, and I bet you have too.
Some crucial distinctions:
- Understandable doesn’t mean effective: People make mistakes. People do their best in the moment, and it doesn’t always work out. Sometimes people want something that is hurtful to themselves or others. And sometimes people don’t have the skills or information they need to be effective.
- Purposeful doesn’t mean healthy: Partying every night to build a support network of friends serves a purpose. But it may not be healthy, and it might come with some painful consequences.
- Understanding doesn’t mean excusing: Just because you can understand why someone did something hurtful doesn’t mean they are excused from responsibility for what they did, which may include experiencing consequences.
Replace Judgment with Curiosity
Often when we see something that looks irrational, nonsensical, or a little crazy, the first thing we think is: What’s wrong with you? Even that question is purposeful. We may be trying to understand why someone would do something like that, or perhaps distance ourselves from behavior we find difficult to comprehend.
If you truly want to understand the purpose of another person’s behavior, try asking these questions instead:
- What does this behavior accomplish?
- What need might it satisfy?
- What problem might it solve?
- What would the person lose if they were to stop?
If you get honest answers, you may gain clarity about what the person wanted and why this behavior made sense to them at the time. This may bring clarity not only to you, the observer, but also to the person themself.
Understanding the purpose of a behavior does not end the conversation. It makes a more useful conversation possible. Once a person can see what the behavior is doing for them, they can evaluate whether it is actually helping them get what they really want.
Reality Therapy® Connection:
Once purpose is understood, self-evaluation becomes possible: Is what you’re doing helping you get what you want?
If the person evaluates that the behavior is moving them closer to what they want, you can ask some additional questions to help them consider the potential consequences:
- Is it against the rules?
- Is it against the law?
- Does it hurt anyone, including yourself?
- Does it reflect the person you really want to be?
Applications
Counseling
You’re doing couples counseling with a pair who want to improve their relationship. They disclose that they haven’t had sex in two years.
Purpose question: “What does withholding intimacy do for you?”
Possible purpose: Protection from rejection, avoidance of vulnerability, communicating anger or defeat, or preventing another disappointing interaction.
Self-evaluation question: “And is withholding intimacy helping you create the deeper understanding you both say you want?
Coaching
You’re working with someone who wants to improve their health through regular exercise and healthier eating. You learn that the client has been making excuses for not working out and has been driving through some fast-food restaurants on the way home from work.
Purpose question: “What does skipping the workout and picking up fast food do for you?”
Possible purpose: More free time, less effort, immediate comfort, and avoiding cooking.
Self-evaluation question: “And do those choices move you toward or away from the health you say you want?”
Parenting
Your 12th-grade child gets suspended from three games of football for being a wise guy toward the athletic director, and he is furious.
Purpose question: “What did standing up to Mr. Smith do for you?”
Possible purpose: It gave him a sense of Significance, Freedom, justice, or relief from feeling powerless.
Self-evaluation question: “Did that payoff feel worth missing three games?”
Leadership
One of your middle managers seems to have trouble having difficult conversations with employees he supervises.
Purpose question: “When you avoid a difficult conversation, what does that do for you?”
Possible purpose: It helps the manager avoid discomfort and may feel like a way to preserve relationships or give the other person a chance to correct the problem on their own.
Self-evaluation question: “Does avoiding the conversation actually protect the relationships you care about, or does it create other problems for you and the team?”
It may be easier to recognize the purpose in someone else’s behavior than in our own. If there’s something you’ve been trying to stop doing, you might also explore What if the Behavior You’re Trying to Stop is Helping You? on Mental Freedom.
Reflection
What behavior in someone else becomes less baffling when you ask what it might be accomplishing for them?
