While working on my goal setting for 2025, I remembered something I learned from a Choice Theory colleague, Barnes Boffey, that he called “Have – Do – Be.” Whenever a client talks about something they desire, it helps to gain clarity by asking the following questions:

1. If you acquired this thing you want, what would you have that you don’t have now?
2. What would you do that you can’t do now?
3. How would you be different?

If people can’t answer those questions, it’s a good possibility that they are just wishing for something and not willing to put in the necessary effort to obtain it.

As I was thinking about my goals, I realized that when I first started goal setting in my 20s and 30s, most of my goals focused on “having” things: a husband, a home, a family, a job, etc. In my 40s and 50s, I had most of the things I wanted and was even thinking of downsizing, so my goals became “doing”: learning, traveling, and creating a business. Now that I’m in my 60s, I’ve crossed many things off my bucket list, so when I sat down to formulate my goals this year, I was more focused on “being” goals—becoming even more of the person I really want to be.

I’m not suggesting any of these are inherently good or bad, and perhaps the focus on “having” goals in our 20s and 30s, “doing” goals in our 40s and 50s, and “being” goals in our later years makes perfect sense. However, I believe that no matter what stage we are in, having some goals in each category might be a very balanced way to approach things.

I want to have a purple McClaren, quality time with each of my grandchildren, and a loving intimate relationship in my life. Some of the things I want to do include travel, expand and protect the Mental Freedom® brand, and exercise. I want to be healthy, loving, free, successful, and content.  

It seems that “being” goals are the ones that will lead us to Mental Freedom. When a “having” or “doing” goal is accomplished, it typically provides pleasure, sometimes even intense pleasure. Not to be minimized, but pleasure is fleeting. Lasting happiness comes from healthy, satisfying relationships, and the most important relationship of all is the relationship we have with ourselves. (It could be argued that this is the second-most important relationship, after a person’s relationship with their Higher Power, but for those who don’t believe in a Higher Power, one’s relationship with Self is the most important.) For more on creating this healthy, loving relationship with Self, check out my book, Choosing Me Now.

Whether this is your first or second priority in your life, the best way to have a healthy satisfying relationship with Self is to live in alignment with your values. This involves first developing or recognizing what your values are beyond what others said they should be. Then construct “being” goals. If you want to be honest, tell the truth. If you want to be healthy, eat well and exercise daily. If you want to be kind, live a life of service. Identify how you’d like others to perceive you according to your values and make choices that align with them.

Accomplishing a “being” goal is typically a lifelong process; it is about becoming. It has this in common with the “having” and “doing” goals, but the difference is the latter goals result in more avarice, leaving us dissatisfied, wanting more and more. With “being” goals, we are also dissatisfied, but we are working to perfect our being with the knowledge that we will never accomplish perfection. It’s the striving to be a more aligned person than you were yesterday that drives the “being” goals. Becoming more of who you were made to be is a beautiful path to Mental Freedom.

What goals might you formulate around Have – Do – Be? There is no prescription for this; it’s completely up to you. You can still focus exclusively on all “having” and “doing” goals if you want, but if you choose to balance them with some “being” goals, let me know your plan and if it moves you down the path toward increased Mental Freedom.