Have you ever given someone advice that seemed absolutely perfect for their situation, only to watch them completely ignore it?
Maybe it was:
- A struggling adult child
- A friend in a bad relationship
- An employee making poor decisions
- A spouse facing a challenge
You could see the solution clearly. Yet they did something entirely different. Why?
People often resist good advice because advice can reduce ownership, threaten autonomy, and arrive before a person is ready to change.
The Good Intentions Behind Advice
Most advice comes from a good place. We genuinely care and want to help. We don’t like to watch others struggle, and we want to help relieve their suffering.
Those things are understandable. But perhaps because we want to be helpful, efficient, or have the answers, we often offer advice when something else might be more effective.
Why Advice Often Fails
Loss of Ownership
When I tell you what to do, the solution becomes mine. When you discover it for yourself, it becomes yours.
This may not seem like a big distinction, but it matters. Most people aren’t simply looking for answers. They’re trying to figure out what will work for them. As a result, they’re much more likely to act on solutions they arrive at themselves rather than those handed to them by someone else.
Ownership is often the difference between temporary compliance and lasting change.
Threat to Freedom
Most people value autonomy. Advice can unintentionally feel like, “I know better than you,” or even, “You should have known this already.”
Even when that isn’t the intent.
Readiness Matters
The reality is that people change when they are ready. No amount of wisdom can force readiness.
As I’ve often said, “People tend to change when the pain of staying the same exceeds their fear of change or discomfort with the unknown.”
Sometimes people require more pain before they have the motivation necessary to make the change they’re contemplating. You can read more about why awareness and intelligence alone don’t always create change in Why Smart People Stay Stuck: Even When ‘They Know Better.
What Works Better
- Information: Provide information people may not have.
- Questions: Help people think.
- Curiosity: Work to understand before offering advice. People are not simply clones of you. They have different experiences, values, needs, fears, and desires.
Choice Theory® Connection
Choice Theory teaches that people always choose what appears to be the best available behavior to get them what they want.
If we want different behavior, it is often more effective to help people discover better options, or reconsider what they truly want, than simply telling them what to do
Reflection
When was the last time someone ignored your advice?
How might you approach the conversation differently next time?
