Whenever you want someone to change, it’s usually for a good reason. You care about them, you want the best for them, and instinctively try to guide them toward the solution that seems most helpful to you.
Why Pushing Fails
No matter how well-intentioned your motives are, pushing often feels like control to the person being pushed, and no one likes to be controlled. That feeling frequently triggers resistance. People may push back, dig in, verbally agree while doing the opposite, or comply while feeling resentful and victimized.
What Works Instead
The following approaches are often far more effective:
- Provide information that increases awareness of the situation and the possible consequences of different choices
- Ask questions that take the person inward toward what is most important to them: their wants, needs, the consequences they are willing to experience, the conflicts they may be navigating, and the outcomes that matter most to them.
- Allow people the space to reflect, consider their options, and choose the path they believe is best for them, even if you disagree.
Practical Application
Here’s a 3-Step process leaders, counselors, coaches, and partners can use:
- Pause before immediately offering advice. Listen carefully enough to truly understand what the other person is communicating.
- Ask thoughtful questions that help the person identify what they want, what matters most to them, and what tradeoffs they’re willing to make.
- Give them room to think through the conversation and arrive at their own conclusion.
You can read more about Why Change Is So Hard.
Mental Freedom Connection
This same awareness-based approach is central to the Mental Freedom Experience (MFX), where participants are encouraged to explore new information, reflect on their own lives, and make the decisions they believe are best for themselves.
The goal is not to pressure people into change, but to help them develop greater awareness and ownership.
Learn more about the MFX.
Reflection
What do you think would change if you learned to use the Mental Freedom approach more consistently in your relationships and leadership?
