healthy relationship

Guilting wife into sex is a bad idea

This article is about how to help women feel sexual minus the guilty control.

As a Choice Theory expert, I know that trying to guilt your wife into having sex will be a lose/lose/lose proposition. You will not have the enthusiastic sex partner you really crave; she will not be feeling amorous toward the person who coerced her; and your relationship will grow weaker because of it.

Whenever one partner tries to get the other partner to do something he or she doesn’t want to do either through complaints, threats or guilt, the result is akin to pounding a sledgehammer against a concrete foundation. The first couple of times, maybe nothing happens. After some time, you may notice a chip in the concrete, then a crack and eventually you will be left standing in the concrete rubble holding the sledgehammer wondering what happened to your relationship! Trying to externally control your wife into having sex will set up a situation where she will want to do it even less.

So what do you do? I know there is only one reason people do anything – it’s because they want to. If your wife isn’t having sex with you, it’s because not doing that is what she wants. You may be thinking you can get a lot of people to do what you want by holding a gun to their head and you’d be right. But the reason they would comply with what you are asking isn’t because of the gun, which is external. It’s because they want to live more than they don’t want to do what you are asking, which is internal.

If your goal is for your wife to want to have sex with you, then stop using external behavior like complaining, threatening and guilting. Start by asking for what you want and then, listen, really listen, to both her verbal and nonverbal response. If she wants to, she will. If she says she wants to but then doesn’t, you can be fairly sure she doesn’t want to. So again, what are you to do?

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