Have you ever tried to get someone to change because you knew it would be good for them? Maybe it was your spouse, your child, your employee, or your client.

The harder you pushed, the more they resisted.

Have you ever wondered why?

The difference between control and influence is simple: control tries to force change, while influence creates the conditions where people choose it for themselves.

Why We Try to Control

There are several well-meaning reasons we try to control:

• We care about someone and genuinely want to help.
• We see a problem and want to relieve their stress or worry.
• We believe we have the best solution.
• We want relief from watching someone we care about struggle.

Our intentions are often good. It’s our approach that gets us into trouble.

The Problem with Control

A controlling approach creates several problems. Newton’s Third Law of Motion tells us that every action creates an equal and opposite reaction. While he was describing physical forces, I’ve often noticed a similar pattern in relationships. The harder we push, the harder people tend to push back.

Control often creates:

• Resistance to the solution we’re imposing, even if it’s a good one.
• Rebellion against the idea, or against us and anything we suggest.
• Dependence on us for answers instead of confidence in themselves.
• Resentment because we’ve implied they aren’t capable of managing their own lives.

What Influence Looks Like

Influence is different and usually far more effective. Most people want to maintain or develop their own autonomy and agency. Influence:

• Asks questions instead of giving directions
• Listens for understanding before offering solutions
• Respects the other person’s preferences and choices
• Models alternatives instead of demanding compliance

Influence doesn’t force change; it creates the conditions where change becomes more likely.

Choice Theory® Connection

Choice Theory teaches that all behavior is our best attempt to satisfy one or more basic needs. When we try to control someone, we often threaten one or more of those needs.

William Glasser called those needs Love & Belonging, Power, Freedom, Survival, and Fun. In my work, I refer to these as Connection, Significance, Freedom, Safety & Security, and Joy because those terms tend to resonate more naturally with the people I serve.

You can control very little about another person without using force. And even force cannot remove another person’s ability to choose. It only changes the consequences attached to those choices.

Control changes the consequences. Influence expands the choices.

However, your influence increases dramatically when you’ve built a relationship characterized by trust, respect, and mutual understanding.

From a Choice Theory perspective, people’s responses to control often depend on which need is most pressing at the moment.

• Someone whose strongest need at the moment is Connection may comply because they want to preserve the relationship and avoid conflict. Unfortunately, that compliance may come at the expense of trust if they feel pressured rather than understood.
• Someone whose strongest need is Significance may resist simply to protect their sense of competence and self-respect.
• Someone whose strongest need at the moment is Freedom may resist because making their own decisions is more important than complying.
• Someone whose strongest need is Safety & Security will likely comply because they don’t want to pay the consequences for not doing as you say, but resent you for “making” them do it. Don’t mistake this person’s compliance for agreement. It’s simply self-protection.
• Someone whose strongest need at the moment is Joy can go either way depending on whether frustrating you would be more entertaining for them or complying would satisfy their Joy need more effectively.

If you’re a coach, counselor, leader, or anyone who wants to help others grow without taking away their ownership, these principles are at the heart of the Mental Freedom Experience and my Choice Theory® training programs.

Reflection

Where are you trying to control when influence would work better?