The Problem with How We Talk About Responsibility
As children, many of us remember adults telling us, “You need to accept responsibility.” “When are you going to quit goofing off and become more responsible?” Teachers would sometimes hold a class hostage until they could find out who was “responsible.”
Is it any wonder that so many people associate responsibility means: blame, fault, pressure, shame, and punishment?
What if responsibility had nothing to do with blame, and everything to do with freedom, Mental Freedom®?
If you’re new to Mental Freedom®, you can start with a deeper explanation of the framework here.
The Common Misunderstanding
As long as cultural definitions of responsibility remain fault-based, people will continue to deny responsibility or they’ll over-accept responsibility for things that aren’t theirs.
If you tend to be driven more by Freedom, Joy or Safety & Security, you may lean toward denying responsibility. If you are primarily driven by Connection or Significance, you may be more likely to over-accept responsibility for things that were never yours to carry.
Either way, the result is the same: confusion, frustration, and strained relationships.
What Responsibility Actually Includes
Responsibility comes into clear focus when you apply a Mental Freedom lens.
You are responsible for:
- what you do
- what you think
- what you feel (eventually)
- your level of happiness
- getting your needs met
- finding solutions to your problems
- your half of every relationship you’re a part of
What you are not responsible for:
- other people’s feelings
- other people’s choices
- other people’s happiness
- other people’s outcomes
- their half of their relationship with you
Responsibility is not about taking the blame. It’s about owning your lane.
If you’d like to learn more about What Is Mental Freedom?, read my article.
The Missing Piece: Response-Ability
Response-ability is your ability to choose your response, even in situations that are not responsibility.
You can choose to step in, help, or support someone when you don’t have to. When this comes from your values, care, and intention, it can be powerful, but when it comes from fear, built or obligation, it often leads to resentment.
Before stepping in, it’s worth asking:
- What is my motivation?
- How will this impact the other person’s growth?
- Am I being the person I want to be right now?
This is where most people get stuck, and where coaching can become powerful.
If you’d like to go deeper, I break this down more fully in Responsibility vs. Response-Ability.
Why This Is So Hard to Do Alone
Once you understand responsibility conceptually, it might seem like it should be easy to apply.
It’s not.
One thing I hear over and over about Mental Freedom: This stuff makes so much sense, but it’s a lot easier to understand than to actually practice in your life.
There are good reasons for that:
- It’s hard to see yourself clearly
- Emotional triggers blur responsibility boundaries
- Old patterns of rescuing, controlling, or withdrawing are deeply ingrained
- We naturally create stories in our heads that may not reflect reality
- Our desire for control leads us to overstep, often in the name of caring (something I talk more about in how we create stories in our heads).
Knowing this intellectually is one thing. Living it consistently is something else.
How Coaching Changes This
This is where coaching becomes transformational, not because people nare broken, but because they need support seeing clearly And practicing differently.
Coaching helps people:
- recognize what’s theirs vs. not theirs
- catch themselves in real time
- shift language from victimizing to empowering
- rewrite internal stories
- apply responsibility under pressure
Coaching isn’t about fixing you; there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s about helping you see more clearly so you can choose intentionally.
And for those who feel called to help others do this work, learning how to coach effectively becomes a powerful next step.
Real-Life Examples
I once worked with a couple who had a mismatch of needs. One partner was driven by Connection while the other had a strong need for Freedom need.
The partner high in Connection tried to take responsibility for the other’s emotional state, by pointing out when he seemed irritable or withdrawn and suggesting he take time for himself. While well-intended, this was experienced as overstepping, and he resented it.
I also worked with a leader who believed that if her team wasn’t performing well, it was her responsibility to step in and do the work herself. This may have solved short-term problems, but over time, she became resentful, while unintentionally training her team to rely on her.
I have worked with many parents who worry deeply about their children—whether they’ll make friends, succeed in sports, or get into a good college. In an effort to help, they step in and remove obstacles. But in doing so, they may unintentionally communicate, “I don’t believe you can handle this.”
When you take on responsibility that isn’t yours, there are almost always consequences you haven’t considered.
It’s far more powerful to communicate: “I trust you to handle what’s yours, and I’m here to support you, not take it over.”
That means holding boundaries with clarity and calm: You’re not punishing, you’re not withdrawing. You’re simply staying in your lane.
This is the kind of clarity skilled coaches are trained to help others develop.
Invitation to Reflect
- Where might you be taking on too much?
- Where might you be avoiding what’s yours?
- Can you see yourself helping others navigate these same questions?
If those first two questions are hitting home, you may benefit from experiencing this work more deeply. The Mental Freedom Experience is a powerful place to begin.
And if that third question sparked something in you, if you see yourself helping others develop this kind of clarity, then coaching may be a path worth exploring.
Our annual Academy of Choice 30-hour, BCC-approved coaching program begins May 5. If you’re ready to help others, not just understand these ideas but actually live them, this is exactly the work we do there.
