Q:
I found your site due to arguing with my fiancé once again about his
anger. I love him more than anything but he really needs to learn to
control himself. He told me he would go to counseling if I wouldn’t
leave him but he didn’t go. Now, he’s saying he likes his anger and
thinks it helps him in situations. I tell him, “Yes, honey, but do you
want to go on treating ME like this for the rest of your life?” and he
tells me, “Well, no, but you fuel it a lot of the time!” So I can see
that we may both be in the wrong. I know he sometimes can’t control his
anger and I know it comes from his childhood and his mother, he does
too. I want more than anything to help him get over this and learn to
control it and for me to learn how to effectively calm him down. But
I’m afraid to even approach the subject since he’s recently discovered
that he “doesn’t want to change” and it’s “my fault.” Please help.

A:
I do have some things that may help your fiancé, but only if he is
willing to recognize a need and actually applies what he learns.

Since
you are the one who reached out, I would really like to be able to help
you. I know how difficult it can be when we want our significant other
to be different than he is. Women are especially socialized to believe
that the love of a great woman will help any man overcome his
personality flaws.

I’d just like you to
consider one question, “What if he never changes?” I have absolutely no
investment in your answer to that question. If you say you will love
him forever even if his anger stays just the way it is, then I would
try to help you make the most of the situation you’re in. If you are
adamant he must change, then I would try to help you with that, knowing
that you are the only person you can control.

I
am concerned that he is attempting to blame you for his anger. This is
never a good sign. The approach I use in coaching helps people take
responsibility for the choices they make and anger is definitely a
choice. Let me know how things work out for you.