Have you ever noticed how much of our frustration comes from things we can’t control, yet we passionately complain about them and keep bashing our heads against the wall trying to change them? The weather, traffic, things other people do, our past.

You can’t make your adult child make the decision you think is best. You can’t make your boss treat you differently. You can’t undo something that happened. You can’t force someone to forgive you, understand you, love you, apologize, or change. Yet those are often exactly the things our minds keep obsessing over and trying to change.

The question becomes, “If I can’t change what is happening, where does my influence still exist?” That is a much richer question, worth deep exploration, than the platitude of “focus on what you can control.”

The Seduction of the Unchangeable

Why are we so drawn to trying to change things we have no control over?

Sometimes we believe:

• If I explain it one more time, they’ll finally get it.
• If I worry enough, I’ll somehow prevent the scary outcome.
• If I replay the past, I’ll figure out how it should have happened, and thus how I can prevent a repeat occurrence.
• If I can get someone else to change, I won’t have to do the heavy lifting of changing myself.

There’s something psychologically compelling about trying to solve the external problem because we genuinely believe the external problem is the only problem. We often spend enormous amounts of energy trying to solve the part of the problem that isn’t ours to solve.

Life happens. We make choices that lead to circumstances that require more choices, and so does everyone else. Often our choices align well enough with those of the people around us that we co-exist peacefully. But sometimes what happens doesn’t align at all with the way we want things to be. And just like a two-year-old, we can find ourselves believing that if we pout hard enough, protest long enough, or scream loud enough, the world will cooperate.

The problem is that everyone else is also trying to get what they want, and their priorities may have very little to do with ours. Getting what we want is ultimately our responsibility, but insisting that someone else provide it is rarely the best route.

First, ask for what you want. You can ask, provide information, negotiate, and influence without trying to control the outcome. If the other person agrees, wonderful. But if they don’t, you still have choices.

You can keep trying to change the reality. Maybe persistence is warranted. Ask again. Negotiate. Advocate. Problem-solve. Try another approach. Or keep doing exactly what you’ve been doing, even if that means continuing to bash your head against the same wall. You may not yet have experienced enough pain, frustration, or disappointment to want to try something different. Mental Freedom® doesn’t decide when you’ve had enough. That’s your choice, too.

You can leave the situation, mentally or physically, when that’s possible and desirable.

Or you can choose to accept the situation as it is.

Acceptance isn’t simply acknowledging that something happened while continuing to fight against it internally. Anger, frustration, grief, and pain may certainly be part of the process. Mental Freedom doesn’t ask you to deny them. But if those emotions continue to hold you hostage, there may still be something you’re hoping, consciously or unconsciously, will change. Full acceptance moves toward peace, not because what happened becomes okay, but because you are no longer requiring it to be different in order for you to be okay.

Sometimes our ongoing anger, frustration, or resentment is itself part of our attempt to get reality to become what we want it to be. We may not consciously believe those emotions will change anything, but they can still be our best available response for protesting a reality we haven’t yet accepted.

Sometimes acceptance also involves intentionally noticing what remains good alongside what hurts. Appreciating the GLOW doesn’t erase pain or pretend something painful was positive. It reminds us that pain is not the only thing that is true. Over time, the good that remains can begin to counterbalance the pain and help us move toward greater Mental Freedom.

Acceptance Isn’t Approval

Accepting reality doesn’t mean you have to like it. It doesn’t mean you have to approve of what’s happening. You don’t have to agree with another person’s behavior. It doesn’t mean you have to decide nothing will ever change or resign yourself to the way things could be in the future.

It does, however, mean recognizing that thisis what is true right now. Fighting the reality of what is true is an exercise in frustration. Once you stop fighting the truth of the here and now, you can make an intentional decision about what you want to do with reality as it exists.

Where Your Influence Still Lives

Once you accept the reality of the current situation, you can calm yourself and find the agency that still exists for you. There are places where you still have influence and can change your relationship with the reality you’re facing.

Your interpretation. What are you telling yourself this means? You may be drawing conclusions that are not necessarily true. If someone decides they no longer want to be in your life, you may tell yourself that you are unlovable. That’s an interpretation, not a fact.

Your attention. Where are you directing your mental energy? When you focus your energy on things that are not within your control, you’ll exhaust yourself. Instead, redirect your attention toward places where you still have influence. Consider whether redirecting your attention or finding another way to think about the situation would serve you better.

Your behavior. What action is available to you? Is there something you can do that will alleviate some of the pain of the situation? Do you have someone you could talk to? Could you take a small step to do something that brings you joy?

Your boundaries. What will you participate in or not participate in? You may not be able to change someone else’s behavior, but you can always change your own. You can choose not to participate in behaviors, conversations, or situations that repeatedly create unnecessary pain.

Your response. Given what is true, who do you want to be in this situation? Once you accept the truth, you get to decide who you want to be in your reality. Consider responding in a way that aligns with the person you most want to be.

Choice Theory® Connection

Most people are intellectually aware that the only person’s behavior they can control is their own. It’s become almost common sense. The harder question is, “What do I do with myself when I desperately want someone or something else to be different?”

That’s where Choice Theory stops being something you know and becomes something you live, and where Mental Freedom can help you live it. And just because that sounds simple, doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Everyday Examples

Imagine a parent whose adult child is making choices they fear. I dealt with this when my son decided to join the Army and go fight in Iraq. Believe me, that’s the last thing I wanted him to do, but I knew he had to make the decisions for his life. That was not my job. My job was to figure out how I would survive while he was making the choices that were his to make.

Sometimes it’s a leader dealing with an employee who isn’t responding as hoped. As a leader, I always hoped employees would perform well so I wouldn’t need to have difficult conversations. I don’t relish those conversations. But experience taught me that ignoring problems can be costly. Rather than focusing on what might happen if I address an issue, I’ve learned to consider what not addressing it might cost.

It’s very common for people whose relationship has ended to desperately want closure and answers from the other person. Even when you get the answer you want, will you accept it if it doesn’t align with your thinking? The truth may simply be that the relationship has ended. If the answers you want aren’t available from the other person, what answers can you give yourself? What would it look like to stop chasing closure from someone else and begin creating it for yourself?

The circumstances are different, but the question is the same: “Where is my influence now?” But what if nothing outside you changes at all? That’s the question I explore in Freedom When Nothing Changes.

Reflection

Where are you currently investing energy in something you cannot change? What becomes possible when you redirect that energy toward the choices that are still yours?

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