Telling transfers information. Teaching facilitates discovery.

The best teachers don’t simply give answers; they create the conditions where people begin thinking for themselves.

Most of us believe that if we know something that could help another person, we should tell them. It seems logical.

After all, if I know the answer, why wouldn’t I simply share it? Because information alone rarely creates lasting change.

Think about all the things you already know that you don’t consistently do:

• Exercise.
• Eat healthy.
• Listen better.
• Put your phone down.
• Get enough sleep.

Knowing isn’t usually the problem. Helping people own the idea is. That’s where teaching begins.

Telling fills minds. Teaching awakens them.

Why We Default to Telling

Most of us don’t tell because we’re controlling. We tell because we care.

It seems more efficient. It takes far less time to simply tell someone what to do than it does to ask questions, while helping them come to their own conclusions that may or may not agree with your own.

We want to save people from pain. No one enjoys seeing the people they care about hurting. But sometimes that pain is exactly what the other person needs to ready themselves for making a change.

Sometimes we assume that simply sharing good information will naturally lead to change. We think if we tell them, they will listen and change in the ways we hope they will.

We generally enjoy being helpful. If we know something that could be helpful, we typically want to share that information.

Sometimes we prefer telling people because we want them to make our preferred choice so we can feel better. I remember when my youngest son, Kyle, told me he wanted to join the Army and go fight in Iraq, I wanted to tell him he absolutely could not do that. Of course I didn’t, but I seriously wanted to.

Before people are ready to consider new information, they usually need to feel understood. Helping people feel understood before trying to influence them is often what opens the door to genuine learning.

When we rush to give answers before understanding another person’s perspective, our information often feels like correction instead of support.

Teaching Creates Ownership

Telling

When we tell, we provide the answers, which can create dependence. It also may solve today’s problem, but it doesn’t build the person’s ability to solve tomorrow’s.

If what you told them yields positive results, they are likely to keep returning to you for advice. If what you told them didn’t turn out well, you have likely caused a problem in the relationship.

When you tell, that typically ends the conversation. You don’t ask questions to clarify what the person really wants, what they may have already tried, what they may be doing that’s getting in the way, what they are considering, what the likely outcome is for what they’re considering, or develop future plans together.

When you tell, there is only one right answer, yours. Once you say it, that ends the conversation.

Teaching

Teaching is different. When you teach, you ask a lot of questions, typically for clarification and a greater understanding of what the other person wants, their hopes, dreams, and expectations. You can learn what’s most important to them.

Teaching builds the person’s capacity to solve future problems independently, increasing their personal agency.

When you teach, your answer isn’t the only answer, so the individual creates ownership, and therefore motivation, for the solution. Ownership naturally increases follow-through.

Teaching begins the conversation and often expands it. It will likely strengthen the relationship between you because the other person realizes you aren’t trying to control their outcomes.

People resist imposed conclusions. They own discovered ones.

Questions Are Teaching Tools

Some of my favorite questions include:

• What do you want?
• Is there anything you’d have to give up to get it?
• What are you doing to move in that direction?
• Is there any chance you might be doing something that is getting in the way?
• What story are you telling yourself?
• What else could be true?
• What do you think will happen if you do that?
• What are your options?
• Do you think it will work?

Notice what good questions do. Questions don’t tell people what to think. They help people think. Questions don’t force change; they invite it. That’s one of the central ideas behind The Art of Conscious Influence & Impact.

Helping people discover their own answers is very different from telling them what to do. That’s one of the defining principles behind Mental Freedom Is an Invitation, Not a Prescription.

The Courage to Leave Space

Sometimes the greatest teaching happens after we stop talking. Allowing the silence while the other person is processing your questions is most effective. This can be particularly challenging for extroverts, but it’s critical for good communication.

For effective teaching, you’ll want to:

Silence: Becoming comfortable with silence is an important skill to master. It allows the other person time to process your questions. This can be particularly challenging for extroverts, like me, but it’s critical for good communication.

Reflection: Mastering the art of asking reflective questions is crucial. When you ask questions, you may be pointing the person in a direction you’d like them to take a look at, but you aren’t dictating what they see when they do. That’s for them to discover and yours to understand and accept.

Wrestling: Allow people to wrestle with their thoughts, emotions, and possible outcomes. Growth often happens during the wrestling.

Trust: Trust that people can think for themselves. They may not make the same decision you would, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be the right decision for them and who they are. And if it turns out to be a mistake, it’s never a mistake if they learn something from it.

Choice Theory® Connection

In Choice Theory, William Glasser gave us 10 axioms, with the second one being: All we can give or get from another person is information.

The real question isn’t, “What information should I give?” It’s, “What environment am I creating for the other person to decide what to do with that information?”

If you’d like to explore the psychological foundation behind these ideas, our Choice Theory® Training provides a deeper understanding of why people make the choices they do.

Application

Parenting: Guiding our children to make their own decisions is one of the biggest responsibilities a parent has. Allow them to make the small ones when they’re younger and as they gain experience, let them make more and more significant decisions, until they only ask your opinion when they genuinely need your help.

Leadership: When you are leading a group of people, you may be the one with the vision, so it’s okay to let people know what you want, but then allow them to figure out the how.

Coaching: As a coach, most of your conversations will be questions. You question everything because you know that your client has the answers inside them, and it’s your job to help them discover them.

Counseling: When you are counseling, it’s very tempting to tell clients what they should do. Clients often come to us in pain and seeking answers and it would be easy to just provide them, but when you think of the well-being of your clients, you know that your job is to help them learn how to no longer need you.

Teaching: As a teacher, the most skilled educators are the ones who can set up an environment for a person to discover the answers to their own questions. Teaching isn’t measured by what you say. It’s measured by what others discover.

If you’d like to strengthen your ability to influence others without controlling them, learn more about Creating Conscious Influence & Impact..

Reflection When was the last time you helped someone think, instead of telling them what to

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