Why do we so quickly take things personally? Often, it begins with the story we immediately start telling ourselves.
Everyday events can quickly send your mind searching for meaning.
Someone doesn’t text back.
Someone seems distant.
Someone walks past without speaking.
What story do you immediately begin telling yourself?
Why We Personalize
It’s human nature to interpret events through the lens of our own experience. How else could we make sense of the world?
You get sensory input from the environment and try to make sense of it. Sometimes you have enough facts that things make sense. Other times, there are gaping holes in our understanding, so our minds naturally fill in the blanks.
Remember we’re wired with a negativity bias because noticing danger quickly helped our ancestors survive. As a result, our stories often drift toward what’s wrong instead of what else might be true.
The Cost of Taking Things Personally
When we take things personally, we often react to our interpretation instead of responding to reality.
That can create unnecessary hurt, defensive conversations, damaged relationships, and missed opportunities for understanding.
We begin defending ourselves against something that may never have been true in the first place.
Common Stories
- They don’t care.
- They’re upset with me.
- I did something wrong.
- I’m just not good enough.
Alternative Explanations
Unfortunately, we rarely consider alternative explanations unless new information becomes available.
If our first story feels believable, we often mistake it for certainty instead of recognizing it as one possible explanation based on incomplete information.
However, if you pause long enough to ask yourself, “What else could be true” you might be surprised by the number of competing explanations you can come up with, often with far less pain involved.
I recently had a story in my head that my son didn’t think I was capable of helping him with a carpentry project. He said, “What do you think you are going to help me with?” in a slightly sarcastic tone Kyle uses so well. I told myself the story that he thought I was too old and weak to be of any use. I’ll admit, that stung.
When I was telling my SIL, she said, “Is that a story you’re telling yourself? Couldn’t it just as easily be true that he is looking at his mom whom he loves, knowing you once broke both your ankles, and doesn’t want you to be hurt?” She reminded me of something I teach all the time.
Was that the real reason? I still don’t know. But it was every bit as plausible as the story I’d created.
That experience reminded me how much space exists between what actually happens and the meaning we immediately assign to it. Learning to recognize that space is one of the most valuable Mental Freedom skills we can develop. If you’d like to explore that idea further, read The Space Between What Happened and What It Means[KO1] .
The next time you catch yourself taking something personally, remember that your first explanation is only one possibility, not necessarily the truth.
A little curiosity today may save you a great deal of unnecessary suffering tomorrow.
The Mental Freedom Experience teaches practical tools for recognizing the stories we tell ourselves before they become unnecessary suffering.
Reflection
What are three other explanations for something you’ve taken personally?
