Q:
I found your site due to arguing with my fiance once again about his
anger. I love him more than anything but he really needs to learn to
control himself. He told me he would go to counseling if I wouldn’t
leave him but he didn’t go. Now, he’s saying he likes his anger and
thinks it helps him in situations. I tell him, “Yes, honey, but do you
want to go on treating ME like this for the rest of your life?” and he
tells me, “Well, no, but you fuel it a lot of the time!” So I can see
that we may both be in the wrong. I know he sometimes can’t control his
anger and I know it comes from his childhood and his mother, he does
too. I want more than anything to help him get over this and learn to
control it and for me to learn how to effectively calm him down. But
I’m afraid to even approach the subject since he’s recently discovered
that he “doesn’t want to change” and it’s “my fault.” Please help.

A:
I do have some things that may help your fiance, but only if he is
willing to recognize a need and actually applies what he learns.

Since
you are the one seeking help, I would really like to be able to help
you. I know how difficult it can be when we want our significant other
to be different than he is. Women are especially socialized to believe
that the love of a great woman will help any man overcome his
personality flaws.

I’d
just like you to consider one question, “What if he never changes?” I
have absolutely no investment in your answer to that question. If you
say you will love him forever even if his anger stays just the way it
is, then I would try to help you make the most of the situation you’re
in. If you are adamant he must change, then I would try to help you
with that, knowing that you are the only one whose behavior you can control.

I
am concerned that he is attempting to blame you for his anger. This is
never a good sign. The approach I use in coaching helps people take
responsibility for the choices they make and anger is definitely a
choice. Let me know how things work out for you.

If you or someone you love is in a similar situation, you may want to check out our coaching packages which can be specially taylored for your specific needs. Coaching provides a blend of support and challenge that is necessary to guide people through the changes  they want to make. It is totally strength-based and usually done over the phone. If you aren’t sure you will benefit, try our free 20-minute session to determine if coaching is for you by calling Kim at 708-957-6047 or emailing kim@therelationshipcenter.biz.